currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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