I want to make a zoo with you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
