god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Enjoy the penises
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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