What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
