Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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