I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
