i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode