I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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