Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
