When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
