life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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