I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
