I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
