someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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