Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
