If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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