Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
