i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
