I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
