Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
