I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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