She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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