I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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