UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
