I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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