but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
