you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
