I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
