you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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