I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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