I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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