you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
