my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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