i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
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Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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