Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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