if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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