Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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