There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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