my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
