I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
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Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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