What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it because I queefed?
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I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize