I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
