closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
