I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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