God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
