I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
