we're chasing vodka with high fives
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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