eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
