You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
