I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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