Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
