Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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