Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
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Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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