So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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