I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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