I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude