im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
