I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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