i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
