I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
